Catching my breath

First of all, let me tell you guys how awesome you are. Because you are totally awesome. Seriously! I still cannot believe all the comments I received on that last post! It so great to know that you all are so supportive. It really means a lot to me. Thanks, guys! And I'm sorry I haven't had time to post again or reply to your comments. Since Best Friend got here last Wednesday, I haven't had time to breathe. We have been running ourselves ragged. So far we have done the following: saw Regis and Kelly Live, saw Monty Python's Spamalot on Broadway (hilarious! highly recommend it!), took a weekend trip to visit C for the 4th, saw Wall-e, saw Hancock, did lots of shopping, ate lots of food, saw Nick Arrojo at his salon, and ate dinner with Best Friend's aunt. And now? I'm so tired I can't move. Also, I start classes again today and I really really just want to take a break from school.

Now, on to The Appointment. It was this afternoon. I was a little nervous before I went, but I talked to my roommate and Best Friend for a while and they made me feel a little better. When I got the counseling center, I filled out some paperwork and the lady took me back into her office. I began by telling her about my family history and then got into the details about my dad. It felt good to talk about it all. I felt a sense of relief. Like I was getting some of the stress off my shoulders. The session went well and I was comfortable talking, but I did have a few issues with her. It seemed like she was rushing me and had a certain agenda of what she wanted to accomplish. I didn't feel like I was free to talk about what I wanted. She even stopped me a few times to redirect my thoughts in a different direction. I didn't like that. After about 30 minutes she asked me what I wanted out of therapy and if I was looking for something long term. I told her I was. I don't think it would be a good idea to start seeing her now when I would have to stop in 6 sessions (college counseling centers only offer short-term services). I think it's going to take more than 6 hours to sort through everything and feel comfortable stopping therapy. And you never know, I may not ever want to stop! So she gave the name and number of another therapist who I am supposed to call. Hopefully I can start seeing her soon and we can get this therapy thing going!

Appointments

I just had a phone interview. No, not for a job. It was to set up an appointment to see a therapist. Do you know how awkward it is to tell a stranger all of your life problems and how screwed up you are? It's really awkward. Especially when you are graduate studying to help people with those same problems. I want to be a therapist. And today I made my first appointment to see a therapist of my very own.

Since I started graduate school last fall, professors have said that we need to be in therapy. "A good therapist is always in therapy sorting through their own thoughts", they say.

Then my dad died and I knew I needed to talk to someone about it.

So I called yesterday and set up my phone interview for this morning. When she called I told her why I wanted to come in (in detail) and we set up an appointment for next Tuesday.

I'm really excited and a little bit nervous. I hope it goes well and I can start working through all my "stuff". Because, seriously, I have some issues.

Best Friends

Our mothers met during the early 80s when they were both working as teachers at the same elementary school in small town Texas. They became friends quickly and shortly after realized they were both pregnant with girls. My best friend was born in July and I came along in September. We were friends from the beginning. Our friendship has been documented through pictures and home videos. There are those of us at my first birthday party, her second birthday at McDonalds, and a few years later wearing matching dresses and holding hands.

We never attended the same school, but lived only 15 minutes apart. Our families met for dinner once a week; our restaurant of choice was La Margarita. Every Saturday our mothers strapped us into strollers and took us to the mall for our weekly shopping trip. Perhaps that is how we both became bargain shoppers. We spent summers together at the pool and winters celebrating Christmas for me and Hannukah for her. We share memories of dance recitals, graduations, birthday parties, funerals, first jobs, and vacations.

When we were three, our mothers enrolled us both in the same ballet class. Surprisingly, we both found a love for dance and continued with ballet, tap, and jazz classes for the next 15 years. In high school we were given the duet for the Chinese dance in the Nutcracker. We spent hours laughing while perfecting that dance. When the audience cheered we looked at each and smiled. We sat next to each other on the plane as we flew to Las Vegas for our first dance convention, never knowing we would also travel to Orlando, Dallas, and back to Las Vegas in the coming years.

One year for Spring Break we drove from Texas to Florida, just the two of us. Those five days were spent relaxing on the beach and the nights spent dancing in the clubs. We had no cares, but to have fun and enjoy each day. It was one of the best weeks of my life.

Last year, when I was living in France, she came to visit for a week. We spent the weekend in Paris eating crepes, getting lost in the Louvre, and admiring the architecture. When we returned to the small town I was staying in, we took walks through the park, spent hours playing Monopoly, and taught ourselves how to make home-made crepes.

She has been my shoulder to cry on when I needed one. We have supported each other through the good and bad. She was there when I found out my dad had died and I was there when she learned her grandmother wasn't going to make it. She called me when she and her boyfriend broke up and I listened to her tears. She called me again when they got back together. We are a team like that. We support each other unconditionally. We cry when the other is sad and laugh when the other is happy. We don't judge; we listen and encourage. We are best friends.

**************************

My best friend is coming to New York City tomorrow. We will spend two glorious weeks together and I cannot wait!

School, Friends, and Babysitting

I have one more exam tomorrow and then I will be finished with the first summer session! Yay! These past two weeks have been incredibly intense, but really it's not that bad. I always enjoy summer classes more than classes I take during the semester. During the summer, classes are only 6 weeks long so I feel like I learn the material so much faster and I don't have time to forget it before the exams. It's also nice to just be able to focus on two classes at a time instead of trying to balance 4 or 5 classes at once. So, tomorrow afternoon at 2pm, I will officially be done with summer session A! I have a week to relax before session B begins, but if it's anything like session A, I won't have much work to do for the first three weeks.

Also! On Wednesday afternoon, my best friend from Texas is flying up to visit me! Her family is from Long Island and she's been to New York city about 10 times, but it will still be fun showing her around. Even though she will be staying with me for almost two weeks, we have managed to fill up our schedule for almost every single day! We will visit C for the weekend of the 4th, go to the Yankees game on the 9th, visit her Aunt in Brooklyn, hang out with her friends on the Lower East Side, babysit at the Waldorf-Astoria (more on this later), and see Spring Awakening for her birthday on the 14th. Of course this doesn't include our touristy plans such visiting the Met and the Guggenheim, etc.. I am so so so excited!!!

Now, back to the babysitting at the Waldorf-Astoria (also known as the hotel in the movie Serendipity). Very exciting! The couple I babysit for called to ask if I was available to babysit on Saturday night. I told them I wasn't sure since my friend would be in town, but I would let them know. Then, they proceeded to tell me that I wouldn't be babysitting for them, but for friends of the family- a couple visiting from South Africa who will be staying at the Waldorf. I called them back the next day to say that my friend and I would be available and would love to take the job. So, Saturday night, Best Friend and I will be lounging in a fancy hotel room watching t.v. while we "babysit" a one year old little girl who will be sleeping. Awesome? I think so.

One-word meme

1. Where is your cell phone? Futon
2. Your significant other? C
3. Your hair? Up
4. Your mother? Supportive
5. Your father? Loved
6. Your favorite food? Tex-Mex
7. Your dream last night? None (I think I was too tired- I don't remember dreaming)
8 Your favorite drink? Margarita (strawberry and lime swirl)
9. Your dream/goal? Family
10. The room you're in? Livingroom
11. Your hobby? T.V.
12. Your fear? Rape
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Happy
14. What are you not? Tall
15. Muffins? Chocolate
16. One of your wish list items? Car
17. Where you grew up? Texas
18. The last thing you did? Smiled
19. What are you wearing? PJs
20. Favorite Gadget? Phone
21. Your pets? None
22. Your computer? Entertainment
23. Your mood? Restless
24. Missing someone? Dad
25. Your car? Sold
26. Something you're not wearing? Bra
27. Favorite store? Anthropologie
28. Like someone? Friends
29. Your favorite color? Pink
30. When was the last time you laughed? Now
31. Last time you cried? Thursday

School=Life

I have been such a vapid blogger lately. Is vapid the right word? I can't think straight right now. Anyway, my point is, I apologize for being so invisible. I do have a legitimate reason though.

School has taken over my life. The first summer session is coming to an end and my work load is definitely showing it. I had a group presentation on Tuesday morning, a ten page paper due Wednesday, another ten page paper due tomorrow (which I am currently writing), a final exam on Monday, and another final exam on Tuesday.

Despite my huge pile of work, I have still managed to go out and enjoy myself. Wednesday evening I met my second cousin for dinner here. We had never met before, unless you count the afternoon we spent together at my great-grandmother's funeral when I was less than a year old. But that didn't even matter. From the moment we started talking, I knew we were going to have a great time. In fact, we had such a great time that we made plans to meet up again today. We took the ferry out to Staten Island so she could see a nice view of the Statue of Liberty, walked through the Financial District, and ate lunch at small restaurant in Little Italy. I had so much fun getting to know her and her friend, Betty, who tagged along. We spent the day talking about our family history, how she and my mother used to spend the summers playing together in Kentucky, and updating each other on our current lives. I was sad to say good-bye, but then I remembered- I had a ten page paper waiting to be written. And then I ran back to my apartment.

So, since 5pm this afternoon I've been sitting here at my computer typing away. I probably shouldn't be taking a break to update my blog, but sometimes a girl needs a rest from paper-writing, ya know?

Okay, break over. Maybe if you're lucky I'll update again tomorrow. :)

A Day In The Life Of Me

8:00am: Alarm goes off. C turns it off and falls back asleep
9:30: I wake up
9:31: I realize I really really need to pee. I climb out of bed over C and stumble to the bathroom
9:33: Wash face
9:34: Brush teeth
9:36: Stumble back to C's bedroom and try to wake him up
9:40: Turn on laptop. Check email, open Google Reader, start reading blogs
9:46: C brings me coffee
9:50: We argue over whether or not to watch T.V. He wins. No T.V.
10:37: C leaves for school.
10:38: I rock out while playing Guitar Hero
11:25: Realize fingers are sore. Decide to start working on paper that's due next week
12:20: Hungry. I fix myself a bowl of cereal.
12:30: C is home
12:52: Still working on paper
1:30: Begin daily workout routine on the elliptical
1:59: Arm weights. Kill me.
2:15: Shower
3:00: Paper writing some more.
5:25: C and I engage in a rowdy game of Guitar Hero
7:00: Dinner is ready
7:02: Sitting on couch. C and I are eating salad with grilled chicken. Amazing.
9:00: So You Think You Can Dance? results show!
9:55: Sad that Marquis was sent home. I liked him a lot.
10:15: Another round Guitar Hero
10:45: C and I fix ourselves a drink of vodka and cranberry seltzer. I think it's disgusting.
11:33: C is playing Halo. I'm bored.

What did you do today?

American Pie

I'm the kind of person that remembers my dreams. Every morning I wake up and mull over the fanciful ideas my brain created while I was sleeping. Usually they are quite boring. I'm making dinner, I'm trying to figure out what to wear to a certain event, I'm talking to a friend, or I'm on vacation, and it doesn't take me long to disregard them and move on with the day. But every so often I'll have a dream that I know is significant. One time I dreamed I was on a suspension bridge and knew I was going to fall off. What does it mean? According to Dreammoods "To dream that you are crossing a bridge, signifies an important decision or a critical junction in your life. This decision will prove to be a positive change with prosperity and wealth in the horizon. Bridges represent a transitional period in your life where you will be moving on to a new stage." "To dream that you fall and are frightened, indicates a lack of control, insecurity, and/or lack of support in your waking life. You may be experiencing some major struggle and/or overwhelming problem. It may denote that you have failed to achieve a goal that you have set forth for yourself."

Obviously, I had this dream spring semester of my senior year of college. I was at a cross-roads in my life and had no idea where I would be in 4 months. I felt like I had little control over my life and I was overwhelmed. yeah, that dream made sense. When it's a meaningful dream, I like to try to figure what the meaning is. I like to know what my subconscious is trying to tell me.

So, this is where I ask for your help.

Last night I had my first dream about my dad since he died.

I don't remember what I was doing, but I know I was with my dad. We were talking and I was laying next to him. I think he may have been in the hospital, but I'm not sure, and it isn't really relevant. What is relevant (perhaps, maybe, possibly, I don't know?) is that we were singing. We were singing "American Pie" by Don McLean. I don't know all the words, but I am familiar with the chorus.

So bye-bye, Miss American Pie.
Drove my Chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
And them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
Singin’, "This’ll be the day that I die.
"This’ll be the day that I die."

After I finished my dad looked at me and said, "I didn't know you knew that song". I smiled and quipped back, "Of course I do! Everyone knows this song!" and kept singing.

That's all I remember.




So, what does it mean?

Happy Father's Day

Dear Dad,

Happy Father's Day!

Since you're not here this year for me to call or send a nice card, I figured I would do the next best thing and write you a letter. Hopefully you can read this and know that I am thinking about you today.

It’s really hard spending this first Father’s Day without you. I miss you a lot. Sometimes I get so sad and have to stop what I'm doing. Then I try to remember that you wouldn't want me to be sad. You would tell me that you had a great life, you were happy, you accomplished great things, and now you are in a better place. You would say that I should remember how much loved we shared and how we were always there for each other. Then I take a few minutes to remember the good times and smile.

I know our relationship wasn’t perfect, but it was pretty close. I told you my secrets and you always called me when you were frustrated and didn’t know where to turn. You told me more than once that I was the only person who understood you. In a way, I feel the same way about you. I think we are more similar than people realize. We are both shy, yet love to laugh and have fun. We are always trying to help others and want everyone to be happy.

Part of me still doesn’t completely believe that you are gone. When I think about the fact that you aren’t here today, I begin to regret how I acted in the past. I wish I hadn’t been so consumed in my own life, but had taken the time to answer all of your phone calls. I wish I had made more of an effort to call you just to chat. I wish I hadn't left our dinners so early, just because I was uncomfortable and didn't know what to say. I wish I had taken the time to get to know you, to learn about you. Now that time is gone. I don’t have the chance to talk to you anymore, at least not how we use to. Even with all my unanswered wishes, I couldn't have asked for anything more. You were the best dad.

The other day I was going through a box of old knick-knacks and I found the card you sent me on my birthday last year. You signed it, “Love, Dad. I love you and am PROUD of you.” I normally don’t keep cards, but for some reason, I kept that one. Today, it means more to me than you will ever know. I am so glad that I have a written reminder of how special our father-daughter relationship was for both of us.

Today everyone is talking about their dads. Some are grateful they have a dad who cared for them and raised them. Others are angry their father abandoned or mistreated them. Luckily, I have my memories of what I great father you were. Even though I’m sad today, I can remember all of the Father’s Days when you were here, and I am thankful for that. I am thankful for having such an amazing father who loved me more than anything else in the world. I love you so much, Dad.

Love,
Ashley

Daily Happenings

I haven't been posting much lately, for no real reason other than I haven't felt like it. I think I needed a few days to sort through my thoughts and take some time away from this Internet world for myself. I've still been busy with school, and I've been spending a lot of time with friends.

What I have been up to lately?

Well, I saw an adorable French movie, Hors de Prix, bought several new books, watched hours and hours of Jon & Kate plus 8, went to dinner with an old friend from high school, wandered around New York, and got myself an amazing babysitting job.

More about the babysitting. I LOVE babysitting. So when my roommate asked if I knew anyone who would be interested in babysitting for her cousin's little boy, I gladly volunteered. I met the family this morning at 8:30am in their gorgeous Upper West Side apartment. We walked around Central Park for an hour and a half (and I made $20, awesome, right?) while we got to know each other and enjoyed the beautiful weather. This Sunday I'll babysit for two hours. Hopefully this will become a regular weekend job, except when I go out of town to visit C. Finally I will be able to make a little extra money, but still be able to do something I enjoy.

In other news, I've been a health kick lately. Somehow I've made my way to the gym every day this week, for at least an hour an a half each day. I bike for 15-30 minutes, sweat profusely on the elliptical for 30 min, do several reps on each of the weight machines, and stretch and cool down. I'm really starting to notice a difference, especially in my legs. They are becoming more toned and I can definitely see muscle definition. It's so encouraging to see results so quickly. I hope that I can keep up this routine, at least by going to the gym a few times a week. In addition to working out, my roommates and I have been eating healthier. Except for going out for Thai food and cheesecake last night, my meals have consisted of tuna fish, fresh fruit, sushi, pasta with sauteed veggies, yogurt, cereal, and the like. So yeah. I've been trying to be healthier.

Speaking of healthy, I've also been trying to be emotionally healthy. It's been hard, but I'm working on it. Since my dad died, friends (who have lost parents) have recommended some books that helped them through it, and I've resurrected my old paper journal. I haven't written in it yet because I'm not ready, but I will be soon. I'm also going to start seeing a therapist. I've been talking to my friends and family a lot, but it's different to talk to a professional who can help you sort through all your thoughts and feelings. Honestly? I'm pretty excited about it.

Also, just so I don't leave this post on a sad note, has anyone else heard of a new show on ABCFamily called "The Secret Life of an American Teenager"? Apparently Molly Ringwald plays the mother and her teenage daughter becomes pregnant, deals with teenage drama, blah blah blah. But anyway, I love Molly Ringwald. Breakfast Club anyone? Sixteen Candles? I think I might have to watch this new show. Maybe just once to see if it's any good.